It’s my anniversary today: 3 years sober :-)

Today it is 3 years since my last drink. A lot has happened in those 3 years but to me, not drinking has been the best part. Through thick and thin, no matter what happened, I always knew that there was one really great thing that had happened to me, and that was that I had been lucky enough to “discover” sobriety.

I still occasionally get a brief urge to drink – it’s usually yearning for a specific taste. Bad things happening or stresses in my life do NOT make me want to drink. On the contrary, the worse I feel the more I shy away from booze.

My tolerance for drinkers has gone down. I look at groups of people boozing and joking about boozing and I hate it. I feel like the little boy in The Emperor’s New Clothes wanting to shout out “you idiots, can’t you see the harm it’s doing, to you, or to your loved ones? Why does society worship at the feet of this false god? Wake up and look at what’s in front of you, plain to see!”

A few weeks ago we had a reunion with some old friends who we haven’t seem for 15-20 years. None of them were drinking heavily (although I heard they did later in the evening – I headed home early) but the conversation was all about reminiscing about the “good old times” when we were young and wild. Didn’t we have such fun?

Yeah, right. Was it fun then that one of the group became a heroin addict? She was there with us, and she has been lucky – she is free of heroin addiction, as is her husband. Her life is saved. Two of her brothers died, though. Two of the other women in the group have husbands who are now alcoholics – not yet hitting bottom but it’s starting to be a major feature that is destroying their family lives and relationships. One guy with us that evening plays in a band. My husband asked what happened the 5 guys in the band he used to play in? “They’re all dead.” From booze or drugs or a combination of them….

And so the evening went on. Some people in the group may remember it as a fun evening reminiscing about the past. All I could see was who had survived, who was still sinking, and who was gone.

I didn’t mention that I had quit drinking, and nobody questioned me (didn’t notice I suppose). They probably all thought I was a bit of a downer on the evening though That was a bit hard. I would have loved to be loud and merry and the life and soul of the party, as would have been the case in the past. Instead, I felt like the spectre at the feast. (Anyone reading this is probably thinking, “phew, glad I missed out on THAT!”)

Afterwards I felt sad that I wasn’t able to fit in with the group as easily as before. Then I reflected, after they had finished their “fun evening”, they were going back to face their lives, filled with the damage caused by alcohol (and drugs). I was going back to my life, filled with a quieter satisfaction. But yes, I felt lonely that evening.

But I realise I don’t really need friends like those. I don’t need booze-fuelled evenings which are more about frantic escapism than real friendship and connection.

I may not see those old friends again, or rarely (it was a one-off reunion). I wish them all well.

And I feel so lucky that I have found sobriety. My life is not perfect, my mind is not perfectly at peace. But it’s not fuzzed up with booze-blind hysteria, denial and confusion. My mind is sharp.
The past 3 years have been a long and sometimes difficult journey of facing up to what it really means to be sober. It’s not just that I don’t drink. I try to understand what recovery really means, in my thinking, my relationships, my interactions with others. I realise how much in the past I was booze-blind: I don’t mean I was drunk all the time! Rather, I behaved in a way typical of a functioning alcoholic who grew up in an alcoholic family. Today I don’t drink, but I am still what they call an ACOA – Adult Child of Alcoholics. Every day I recover a bit more. Every day I understand my past patterns of behaviour better, and every day I overcome the past one step at a time.

So being sober set me on a long, hard journey, but one that pays off every day.

And I never have a hangover!

Being sober is not about giving up, it’s about regaining your life and your SELF, one day at a time. It is ultimately a very happy, and fulfilling journey.

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Tags: alcohol, booze, drinking, quit drinking, quitting drinking, self development, self improvement, self-help, sobriety